Monday, April 30, 2007

Just Sittin

Well... it seems I find myself sitting squarely on my butt for about 45 minutes 8 to 10 times a day, on average. That's um, in the ballpark of 405 minutes a day.

As someone hilarious once exclaimed,"boobies feed da world!"

As a new mom (this is Chelsea in case you haven't yet caught on) I was deeply moved by this experience. During those 400 minutes I'd cuddle my baby, touch him, observe every inch of him, listen to him, pray over him, praise God for him and weep. After some days and weeks I moved onto to using those 400 minutes to accomplish something.... anything. Trying of course to keep these experiences spiritual and deep. I mean this is a perfect 400 minutes a day to put towards oh, say, memorizing the Sermon on the Mount in its entirity? Awe yes, good idea.

Matthew Chapter...

Hum. must of dozed off. You see, most of the time I spend 400plus minutes a day and night staring off into space or wishing I was asleep. Sometimes a notion or two will pop in my head. Which bring us to a questions.

Today I sat and sat and sat... and during some of this sitting I began to wonder... can I verbally explain the difference between irony, satire and parody AND give examples. The answer is... NO I cannot. I know it when I see it... I can look at it and say... oh, hello irony, but I mean FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... it's like identical twins you can tell apart when there's just one, but put them next to each other and your mind gets bumbled-jumbled.

Yes, I could quickly jump on dictionarydotcom and find my answers. But I like you people better... you're funny and I receive instruction better with a little humor. So what's the difference between irony, satire and parody? Teach me people...

[aside... I must confess quickly and quietly that recently I have begun to spend ample amounts of my 400 minutes watching the recently gifted (thanks Kris) Season one of Heros, but that breeds questions of an entirely different nature... such as, Do I in fact have superpowers?]

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It's Official...

I'm miserable without him.

An Unprovoked and Uncalled For American Tragedy

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Race-Baiters and America; A Conversation

my head is actually THIS big as offensive as my hair

Oprah,Sharpton,Jackson: (taps American on the shoulder) Excuse me America...aren't you offended?

America: Um..what..?

Oprah,Sharpton,Jackson: We said, aren't you horribly offended by these awful racist and demeaning remarks!?

America: Um...not really. Why? Should we be?

Oprah, Sharpton, Jackson: Yes!! This is a travesty! A calamity! Profanity! Insanity! And like Maya Angelou said, "I wear scarves."

America: ???

Oprah, Sharpton, Jackson: Trust us folks. You should be offended.

America: Well....okay sure.

Oprah, Sharpton, Jackson: Good now...

America: But wait a minute. Oprah...didn't you just open a school in Africa that caters to only wealthy and prominant girls while the rest of the continent is dying and call it your "lifelong dream" and not allow the girls' families to attend commencement services but flew your friends Chris Tuker and Brad Pit in to see it all? And Al, didn't you call the Duke lacross players racists and rapists and say that the American justice system should be ashamed of itself if nothing less than life sentences are handed out to whom now appear to be completely innocent men who fell victim to a mentally ill African American woman? And Rev. Jackson didn't you once say "If the Jews want a fight, tell them to tie back their yarmulkes and come get some!"? This all seems just a bit strange to us, the easily swayed American public.

Oprah, Sharpton, Jackson: we have JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!!!!!

America: Really!?? Sweet!!! Nevermind!

Another Dead Genius

kurt vonnegut

"He always said the Pall Malls would get him in the end."

Read Cat's Cradle for the first time as a senior in high school and everything about literature changed for me.

Imus Be Dreaming!

I was going to keep my opinions on this matter close to my chest but I received an email yesterday asking what I thought.

Look, as far as I'm concerned the greatest voice on race and equality and how we're supposed to make this thing work in general was murdered several years ago on a balcony in Memphis. And although the LAST thing I would ever want to do would be to presume to know what he would think or say in any given situation, I will say that if there were a way, if Dr. King could voice something today and speak into this deal, I hope it would be to tell both of these gentlemen..
He usually said things with a bit more eloquence though.
When you walk the race tightrope as part of your shtick you must know that one day you might fall off on the wrong side and take lumps for it. And when you sow seeds of discord in order to line your pockets you must know that one day you might have hell to pay for it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Every Flight to the Dominican You Will Ever Take

"Ladies and gentlemen thank you for choosing ______ Airlines. We'd like to invite you to take your seats at this time as we prepare to taxi onto the runway."

10 minutes. Dominicans in sunglasses standing, talking, fighting about overhead space. Line to bathroom five deep.

"Ladies and gentlemen the captain has lit the fasten your seat belt light. If you can please make your way to your seats at this time..."

5 minutes. Dominicans in sunglasses standing, talking, fighting about overhead space. Line to bathroom ten deep.

"Ladies and gentlemen if you could please find your seats we'd like to get flight _____ to Santiago underway."

5 minutes. Dominicans in sunglasses standing, talking, fighting about overhead space. Line to bathroom twenty deep. Duty-free Johnny Walker out and being poured liberally. Perpetuates line to bathroom.

"Ladies and gentlemen could you please find your seats!"

5 minutes. Passenger A fights with passenger B over seat 13 C. Passenger B's tickets are actually for next week but he doesn't think this should matter. A 92 year old doña sits clutching an overstuffed Macy's bag.

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. In order for us to depart anywhere near our scheduled time, we're going to need you to get to your seats with your seat belts fastened. We really would appreciate your cooperation in this matter."

5 Minutes. Male passenger flirts with female passenger. Male passenger seems to be under the false impression that female passenger wants to sleep with him. Female passenger seems to be under the false impression that she doesn't.

"Ladies and gentlemen the plane cannot move until you are in your seats. And I also need to inform you that due to excessive weight in the cargo hold half of your checked luggage will be left in New York. Thanks for flying with us."

Most of You Will Roll Your Eyes But...

millionsofdollars millionskilled
...when Alex Rodriguez homers off Dice K Matsuzaka will they still call it an "A-Bomb from A-Rod!!!!" or is that inappropiate?

Monday, April 09, 2007

This Is My Sister...

She once threw a shoe at me. But I pulled a kitchen knife on her so we called it even. Funny to think of the two of us now bringing children into this world with a track record like that. But sure enough, Sara and Adam are right on our heels and by July Jackson is to have a cousin to ramp with. Geez. We have hell to pay Sara.

Well today is my sister's birthday and in honor of the event I thought I'd fire up the old poem turbines. The blanks can be filled in as soon as you two fall upon a name.

Lock all your cabinets, hide all your guns
Jackson and ______ are out on the run.
Aunt Peg took a pellet shot square in the caboose
Jackson and ______ are out on the loose.
Is that fire I smell?Are those sirens I hear?
Jackson and ______ run with no fear.
Is that glass I heard break?The dogs just been shaved?!
Jackson and ______ for the love!Just behave!
Sara what did we do to deserve such a trial!
Well just ask Granny Fran and I'm sure she'll just smile.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Me On Being A Father

Coming up on one month into this Jackson gig. Some observations:

*It's been surprising to me to realize how much I've over-romanticized my plunge into fatherhood. Don't get me wrong. Meeting and learning Jackson has been the single most thrilling experience of my life. And I have loved holding him, praying for him, whispering in his little ear that I love him and that all that I have is his. I mean really, I've spent days doing this. I guess it just didn't occur to me that his response to all my love and affection would amount to pooping mostly.

A story to illustrate my point. One of my favorite things about the whole birth process what they call "catching the baby". To avoid any nasty Discovery Channel type details, this simply means that literally the first hands to touch the boy were mine. Oddly enough, I was opposed to this at first. Let's just say that the view from behind my wife's ear, where I would stand whispering encouragement, seemed to be desirable to me. But the more I thought about it, the more catching my son out of the womb seemed to remind of, well God. I wanted to communicate the security of Jackson's sonship to him from the earliest possible moment. The more I thought about it like that, the more I opened up to the idea and eventually got excited about it. I began to think about it incessantly. What would I say to him? What declaration would I make over him that would stamp him forever as my son and entitle him to all that I have? Well after months of thinking about it, the moment came.

Midwife: Alright dad (me). Last push, would you like to catch the baby?

Me: When you say 'catch', do you imply that there's some kind of skill involved?

Midwife: One more push Chelsea, here we go.

I get in position.



Me: Touchdown!

Then there was lots of crying but I eventually managed to pull it together, hold him close to my ear and whisper...

Me: Jackson, you are my son and I love you. My life is yours little man. Everything I have, everything I am is yours, that you would know that you are loved.

Yeah. Nailed it. And although I wasn't sure what kind of response I was looking for I can tell you it wasn't...

Midwife: Daddy, Jackson just pooped on you!

*The jury is still out on exactly who the boy is going to end up resembling more. Actually seeing as how he's bald and short he doesn't really favor me or his mother. This is time will change. As will, I hope, his fascinating and complete lack of understanding of how well he is cared for, something that in fact does remind me of me. Really. I think there are times when Jackson doesn't seem to trust us a bit. For instance:

Jackson: Scream!

Me: Whoa there man. It's okay. I'm here.

Jackson: Scream!

Me: Look, seriously, the list of things you could possibly need at the moment is quite short and I assure you, that between the two of us, your mother and I got your back.

Jackson: Scream!

Me: Okay. We'll run through the list. Diaper..clean. just nursed for an hour. Gas...thoroughly burped. Ahhh! I notice your eyes are getting a bit heavy. Your' sleepy. Problem solved!

Jackson: Scream!

Me: ?

*To date, Jackson's tearing up his fantasy baseball league which is impressive for someone who's a month old.

*In his first major riff with dad, he's come forward as a Steve Nash supporter for MVP this year.

*His favorite book so far seems to be Banker to the Poor: Micro-lending and the Battle Against World Poverty by Muhamed Yunus although we're trying to introduce Goodnight Moon and Giraffe's Big Day Out.

Master Shake On Being A Father

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Cardinals-Mets Opening Day Journal

I missed the first with a crying baby. Jackson’s first cardinal game sure isn’t going all Field Of Dreamy-like.

Top Second. Delgado flies out to right. St. Louis:1 Delgado:0.

Wright just grounded out to Eckstein. God he looks like an 8 year old when he throws to first. Except for the part when the ball comes out at about 90 mph.

Alou singles up the middle. This hit was brought to you by the AARP.

Shawn Green gets his first career hit off Carpenter. I’ll have to wait on all my Shawn Green jokes.

Jose Valentine, or as I like to call him Herm Edwards, grounds out to Pujols. That was a hell of a play. Earning his Gold Glove already.

same guy

Two more innings missed on a phone call. Someday I hope to be a professional writer.

Cardinals just botched a suicide. Right pitch. Right time. Right batter. Carpenter just miffed it. Dropped the ball on home plate. Kennedy was tagged going back to third. Won’t see that play during the Yankee game tomorrow.

Green just got his second hit off Carpenter. Another hit for Shawn Green is another missed opportunity at a Shawn Green joke. Mets hitters are picking up Carpenter a bit too well. Not a good Fantasy Jackson night.

Here’s proof that LaRussa is ballsy if nothing else. Randolf had a perfect spot for a suicide with Glavine up and didn’t use it. No one executes that play as well or as much as the Cardinals. I mean until last inning.

Jackson is crying again. Reyes just walked. Carpenter can’t throw a strike. He’s thrown 63 pitches through 3 1/3 innings. LaDuca’s up. Bases loaded. Two outs. Two strikes. Jackson is still crying. I think he might need something. Base hit up the middle. 4-0 Mets. Carpenter gets a visit. My fantasy ERA is skyrocketing. Jackson has stopped crying. Two two-out RBI hits. 5-0 Mets. Daddy is crying.

Jackson has this funny thing about being held. Cradle him when he’s not tired and he’s likely to smack you in the face. If he’s awake, and fussy its one hand behind the head and one on the back. Rock very slightly. Change any of these details and he will let you know with a shriek I like to call the Gum-Blade.

Who’s worse: Joe Morgan or Tim McCarver? To compare the two is to risk crone for the roadeating a black hole of ego. Morgan just told Willie Randolph “Great job last year, I was pulling for you!” in an in-game interview. Professionalism. Now he just asked LaRussa “What was up with that DUI man?”

I missed the last 3 innings with a dirty diaper and some gas. Strange. Beltran just threw out Eckstein at home on no bounce. Play of the game so far. Rally killer. Only the second out but this inning’s over.

Glavine pitched around Pujols. Ball four was actually a strike but Glavine said he didn’t mean it. Two on for Rolen. Glavine plunks him. Has anyone else noticed that the best defensive third baseman of all time is 6’4, 250 and quick?

Bases decked for guess who? Yadi Moe. You’ve got to be kidding me. Could he seriously kill the Mets again!? Or, might he bloop out to short. Latter. 5-1 Mets.

Tyler Johnson in. Just made Delgado look silly on a third strike slider. Wright flies out. Tyler, you’re game check will be waiting in your locker.

Glavine’s been chased. And Shawn Green looks like Eric Bana. Sorry. It’s the best I can do when a guys goes 2 for 3. Edmonds managed an infield hit. Edmonds is like the friend that stands you up one night only to show up the next morning to help you clean your garage. Every time you’re fit to hate him he comes through. Bastard.
same guy hulk smash

E’s Son’s of Hollywood takes the evening’s most annoying spot. From the channel that brought us Anna Nicole Smith and the Girls Next Door comes more of the same: rich, sexually delinquent bi-polar people.

Flores just set down the Mets in order. Two scoreless bullpen innings is the bright-spot for the Cardinals. A surprise in every box.

Pete Gammons is now doing an in-game interview with Tom Glavine in the shower. I would expect this from FOX but ESPN? They’re talking off speed pitches and conditioner. And how does Pete Gammons not have a steady stream of drool running down both sides of his mouth at all times? That guy has the jowls of a basset hound.
same guy same dog
Bottom 8. Two on no outs for the Cardinals. Preston Wilson struck out on three pitches, head nipple and all.

Now Pujols. I just can’t think that Rolen is that threatening batting behind him. Apparently the Mets don’t either. 3 Straight balls. And a walk. Rolen’s the tying run at the plate. Here we go.

Pitching change. And why not? Tomorrow’s an off day. And can anyone tell why the Giants are having their first game a full 48 hours after opening day?

This at bat by Rolen might just foretell the kind of year Pujols will have. Rolen comes through here and teams will think twice about pitching around Albert. If not Pujols leads the majors in walks and Lance Berkman is your MVP.

And Herm Edwards make the new play of the game to rob Rolen of two RBI’s. Not sure what that means for Pujol’s MVP bid.

Brad Thompson is pitching for the birds. Looks like his parent’s signed his permission slip again this season. Seriously, this kid still has acne. No, I mean on his face.

Joe Morgan just said the ‘step to third throw to first move’ should be against the rules. Seeing as how it’s worked twice in the history of baseball is evidence that Joe just really wants to hear his own voice . 6-1 Mets. The Met’s defense is going to win this game for them and I GUARANTEE Morgan will say it was “just like I said.” I need some ice cream.

“I believe the Mets will be the best team in the National League because of the infield they run out there every day.”

Direct quote. Morgan is a hack.
Mets win 6-1. There's always tomorrow. And by that I mean Tuesday.

Time to feed the boy.

Two Faced

If your interested in getting a Jackson...

he, like Barbie and humus, comes in many different varieties. There is...
'White Rapper' Jackson
'Tickle Me' Jackson
'American Idol' Jackson
'Screw You' Jackson
and 'Metallica Fan' Jackson.

When ordering please leave your preference with the receptionist and we will try our best to comply.