Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Coming to America

Actually, we've already arrived.

We were here.

But now we've made it to the land of cheap gas (cheaper anyway), the family fridge, conditioned air, thick steaks, sealed windows and Larry's margaritas. This feels very nice.

We have chosen the theme of 'comfort' for this summer's vacation to the states. Due to stated theme, you are likey to experience a reduction in tid-bitting on this blog. In place of the bits, perhaps we can go for coffee and have a chat? meet for drinks and have a rant? grab a sonic beverage and layout? pack a lunch and have some frisbee golf? buy a $10 beer and watch a baseball game? or, my favorite, have margarita and shop for shoes? Whatever your fancy.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

666-Silly:Foghorn Leghorn and Egghead Jr. Bring You The End of The World

(Open on Foghorn and Egghead Jr. strolling out of the hen house. Foghorn is happy to be rid of Miss Prissy, despite her request that he take Egghead along. Egghead walks, feet a blurr, with his head in a book.)

Foghorn: Now pay attention boy. I'ma, I say, I'ma gonna show you a rooster's purpose in life. (tip-toes past Henry's doghouse towards corn crop) Sweet lord its the promised land! Now watch closely boy. (takes ear of corn, sniffs and licks it as if a fine cigar, inserts and removes from mouth revealing the now bare ear) Mmm, mmm, mmm! Nothing better than some fine southern sweet corn! (begins to gather a teetering stack of ears nearly twenty feet tall in his arms) Now boy...

Egghead: (inputting data into calculator)

Foghorn: Now boy that's no way to stack corn! Like this son, like this! (swats at calculator and throws several ears at Egghead, all of which land perfectly balanced atop his small head, according to his precise calculations, Foghorn blinks with astonishment) Well that's not too bad for your first time son. But remember...what in Sam Hill....!!???

(The earth begins to tremble. Foghorn begins to run in panicked circles. Egghead begins typing on his Powerbook.)

Foghorn: This, I say, this is no time for your video box boy! (While the earth still trembles wildly Egghead shows Foghorn the computer. It says: EARTHQUAKE!) Earthquake!!? Naw son you got it all wrong see...

(The ground beneath them begins to split. Foghorn quickly climbs a tree far too small for him. His weight bends the tree to the ground leaving him right where he started. Egghead quickly constructs a jet pack fueled on ears of corn, leaving him hovering perfectly safe a few feet from the widening fissure in the earth's surface.)

Foghorn: It's splitting straight through to China boy! Watch yerself! Chinamen! Chinamen! Me so soddy! Me so soddy! (Foghorn runs around wildy, bowing occasionally to anything he runs in to. Egghead continues to quietly observe the great hole in the earth and the putrid steam that has now begun to rise from it.) Good heavens son! Smells riper than a coonhound's tail side. Excuse, I said, excuse yerself boy!

(Suddenly out of the dark expanse appears the Great Beast. Foul steam rises from its every orifice. The whore of Babylon is upon its back. Behind the beast follow legions of undead servants of the Enemy.)

Foghorn: They've come for the hens son! Its time, I say, its time to strap up your boots and put in some overtime! Lemme show's ya how it's done!(He pushes the feathers on his arms up as if they were sleeves and begins to march determinedly towards the oncoming hordes of hell.)

Egghead: (Rapidly flipping pages in an oversized volume of scriptures he pulled from nowhere. He finds a passage: "Then I saw another beast, coming out of the earth..." Egghead quickly runs to Foghorn showing him the passage.)

Foghorn: Now step, I say step aside son, there's a whuppin to be had! Awe...what is it boy?

Egghead: (Pointing to the passage from Revelation. Foghorn reads slowly, muttering, although loud enough for us to hear him struggle with a few words.)

Foghorn: Boy that's a bunch of fiddely-poo. Now let me, I say let me show you how to defend a henhouse! The womens love the hero type son! (A great shadow begins to appear around Foghorn. He pauses.) Now, who, I say, who pulled the shades down on me?

Egghead: (Pointing to the same passage of scripture concerning the beast. Foghorn leans in and reads the rest: "...and he performed great signs and miracles, even calling down FIRE FROM HEAVEN! Revelation 13:11-13")

(Forhorn looks helplessly in the direction of the camera, holding up a little sign that reads "Sinners Repent!" He is then crushed by a giant ball of heavenly fire. His singed body remains standing after the blast still holding the sign that now reads "S e r pent!")

(New scene.)

(Foghorn and Egghead hide behind a large rock. Foghorn observes as the forces of evil sweep through the farm claiming various livestock's eternal souls. Egghead continues to consult his book and appears to be holding a small vile of water.)

Foghorn: Now boy, here's, I say, here's what were a gonna do...(notices Egghead still reading)Awe now son your going about this all wrong! (Foghorn swats at the book and the vile of water. Egghead desperately goes after the vile, juggling it a bit at first and then securing it with a gasp and a wipe of the brow. In the midst of Egghead saving the water, neither he or Foghorn have noticed that the Great Beast out of the Earth has snuck up behind them.) Just what good do you think a dab of plain ol' southern' sipping water is gonna do against a foul smelling, scale wearing, pile of putrid pig slop like that big...(sniffing the air, notices a foul smell)...that big...(reaches out behind him feeling blindly around)...big..(touches the Great Beast's face, moving his hand until he finds the "horns like that of a lamb")...eep!

(Foghorn turns coming face to face with Hell's minion. The Beast holds a scroll. Written upon it is: "I hunger for the souls of the eternally damned."

Foghorn: (Nervously) Eternally damned!!? Why, I'm not the eternally damned you nimwitt! (He slaps the Beast across the face in a knock-some-sense-into-him type fashion.) That there is the Eternally Damned!!! (Points towards Henry the dog, who somehow is sleeping through all this peacefully, chained to his house.)

(The Great Beast shows Foghorn another scroll. It says: "Thank you." The Beast moves towards Henry.)

Foghorn: (Proudly) Hehehe. You see son, the trick, I say, the trick is being smarter than the Apocalypto! (He notices Egghead, still with the vile of water, reading instructions of some kind. They read: "Acme Holy Water. For use with exorcisms, baptisms, vampires and the end of the world. Warning! Not effective unless blessed!" Egghead bows his head and mutters an inaudible string of words and quickly shuffles off towards the Beast.) Naw son, that's not, I say, your'e goin about this all wrong!

(Egghead sneaks up behind the Beast of Hell who is busy sucking the very soul out of Henry the dog's lifeless body. He drops a single drop of water from the vile onto the tail of the monster. The water hits with a hiss. The Great Beast turns upon itself bringing its head around to its tail and peers at Egghead. He sees the vile labeled Holy Water. Egghead politely waves. The Beast looks towards the camera, eyes wide and disappears into a puff of smoke. As the smoke dissipates we see a small can teetering where the Beast once was. The can reads: "Acme: Beast of the Apocalypse." Egghead quickly constructs a large canon out of spare parts, calibrates it to the setting of "Mars", inserts the can and fires it. Foghorn approaches.)

Foghorn: Well son,(slapping Egghead on the back, knocking him down) it sure was, I say it sure was a good thing I came along when I did. I put that eternal snake in his place I tells ya! (He begins to hop around, boxing the air.) Yessir! The end of the world? Not on my watch I tells ya! Not while I'm aruugghh..(Foghorn is cut off by the now undead and souless version of Henry the dog, who has snuck up behind him and taken him by the throat.)

Forhorn: eep!

Egghead: (Holds up a sign. It reads: "Sinners Repent".)

Thursday, June 01, 2006

If only comic book heros wore great shoes!

I have only recently ventured into the world of comic book characters... via the esposo. I've actually seen EVERY movie in the last 15 months that is based on a comic book. I find it all very interesting. The story lines, the super powers, the whatnot. I think Batman really got the bottom of the barrel when it came to super powers (though Jesse keeps trying to convince me Batman is some kind of super-ninja and could probably beat Spiderman). So this is fun... I'm enjoying this... only, I think the movies would be more fun to watch if the superheros wore really great shoes (excluding Sin City because even I was too distracted to notice the 4 inch stilettos on the hookers). After all, while Jesse was collecting comic books as a youngster, I was collecting shoes. If there were more really great shoes in comic book movies, take Wonder Woman's killer boots for example, this would be the perfect collision of interests.

Below are my recommendations taken from the Santiago Christian School 2006 Junior/Senior Banquet... where, once again, I amused myself in the void of quality entertainment by looking for really great shoes. [kevin you might want to divert your eyes on this one dear]