Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Man Up

Most of you know. We are having ourselves a baby. His name is Jackson. After the Johhny and June song.

They made cool tunes together. We made a cool baby together. It just made sense.

Well, Jackson is coming. And fast. Chels flew back to the states last week to have more regular visits with the midwife and read wacky books about how much childbirth doesn't hurt but is rather "exhilarating." This, of course, leaves me in the D.R. to celebrate Carnival with these guys:
(Not fun like my wife.)
That's right, at the tail end of our very first pregnancy, we thought it would be a great idea to put an ocean between us. I mean, what could go wrong?
So in the absence of my wife and not at all because I've run out of money, I've been doing my fair share of reading up on the whole birthing process. One book, the one with all the naked hippies, talks a great deal about the "role of the coach." I'll assume they mean me. "Listen", the book says, "you are not allowed to show any emotion towards your wife other than encouragement and loving support. No matter how terrified you are, no matter how deep the depths of your absolute confusion as to what is happening to this poor woman's body, and no matter what it smells like, you are not allowed to project anything other than absolute confidence in her and yourself. If you do not feel confident LIE! If you are tired, scared, clueless as to what in the hell is happening, don't show it! The consequences could be severe, including a misshapen or ugly baby or worse: you could be known all over the birth center as the guy who's laboring wife had to tell him 'you can do it honey!' Do not be this man!"
So, I decided to try it out when I called Chels the other night.
Chels: Hi honey! How are you.
Me: wimper, sniff..
Chels: Hello?
Me: wimper, weep, miss you, sob
Chels: Jess, it's OK. You'll be here before you know it!
Me: weeping, wimper, can't...make...it.
Chels: Sigh. I've gotta go.
A step in the right direction I think.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Yoga for Your Pregnancy

Yoga Pose #11: Beach Reach Pose

This pose can be accomplished by Taylor Sitting on the beach while reaching to retreive a **beverage** for your husband. Advanced practioners may want to try the double fisted reach. However, after 34 weeks you'll want to make sure and have a relaxed support nearby.

Yoga Pose #12: Prom Picture Pose. This pose can made more challenging for advanced yoga practioners by interlocking the fingers.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Secret To Success: Sleep With Dudes!

I'm like MLK only with more money

It's been one of those weeks in the news that makes me grateful to not live in the States. But however hard I try, some madness always seems to creep through. My beloved Mark Cuban's interview concerning professionally gay athletes, um, gay professional athletes, has GOT to be the capper to seven days of diaper lined insanity:
"From a marketing perspective, if you're a player who happens to be gay and you want to be incredibly rich, then you should come out, because it would be the best thing that ever happened to you from a marketing and an endorsement perspective. You would be an absolute hero to more Americans than you can ever possibly be as an athlete, and that'll put money in your pocket."

Ah, the struggle for equality. Not to mention all the cash to be made fighting for it.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

To Pepe, My New Broker

Yesterday (or so), my friend Pepe, after years of biting remarks and barbs of criticism, said this about NASA.

Today, the news said this about NASA.
You may now hang your head in shame Pepe. Shame.
nasa fast