Monday, October 30, 2006

St. Louis Takes World Series Trophy, Says Your Stereo Is Next

Someone robbed you...I watched. Yikes...Anyone still up for visiting us over Christmas?
Look, it's not as bad as you think. All of our crimes have a sort of neighborly mid-west flavor to them. Our shootings are the friendliest you'll find anywhere in the nation. Our meth-labs give back to the community whenever possible and our casinos offer a "guns-for-chips" program that has proved wildly effective.
If you want that impersonal type crime they have out East you'll have to look elsewhere. Not here. In St. Louis we're neighbors. And we'll rob you like neighbors.
Go Cards. Or I bust one in yo' ass.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

More Fake News

my Hummer's in the shop

Al Gore Visits Berkeley, Charges Up Prop. 87 rally
By Rick Jurgens, MediaNews

Former Vice President Al Gore appeared in Berkeley on Monday to lend his celebrity and reputation as a crusader against global warming to a measure on California's Nov. 7 ballot that would tax oil companies to raise $4 billion for green energy projects.

"I'm here to change peoples' minds on the climate crisis, support Prop 87, and I need some new hemp flip-flops'' Gore called to a group of reporters after he emerged from his 100 miles per gallon Toyota Prius that brought him to a noontime rally in a sun-drenched park behind Berkeley's City Hall.

His motorcade also included three motorcycles, two limousines and a Dodge Ram 1500 heavy duty truck. "It's cool though", said the former VP when asked about the large motorcade. "Those vehicles run on alternative energy sources including condor eggs, elephant tusks and bald eagle heads."

Monday, October 23, 2006

Mr. Robertson's Class

Hooray! Yes students... you may rejoice. Mr. Robertson is no longer deathly ill. I know you missed him Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

So get ready to work because he's back today. Mr. Robertson's Cross Dressing Class WILL be meeting at the usual time today, Monday, October 23rd.

Yes you heard me correctly! Thank the Lord for such a speedy recovery.

Friday, October 20, 2006

With Apologies To Pepe

A few things worth noting:

1- The Bachata music playing before Beltran's at-bat. Welcome to my world. Everyday. But much louder.

2- Joe Buck's call of the first two strikes. Understated. Let the tension do the talking.

3- Then there's Tim Mcarver's call on the replay after strike two. "Fastball strike one...strike two fouled off Beltran's right leg..." Idiotic and inane. Overstating the obvious with his let-me-clue-you-in tone. Classic Mcarver. Almost as rich as his 6th inning gem, "the infield is getting wetter and wetter the more it rains." Someone punch me. Just knock me out.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Monday, October 16, 2006

Monday, October 09, 2006

Canadian Thanksgiving

This weekend I realized the number one contributing factor as to the way the history of western civilization played out:

Man's absolute inability to find China. Which is funny because it's pretty big.

The Norse, the Africans (and yes African discovery of the America's pre-dates Columbus by a century or two but tell that to the white Euros who wrote the books), and even the ass-rod himself, Chris Columbus, aka The Lord of Smallpox and Native Rape, all bumped into our fine continent thinking they were a tad further east.

Turns out even the Canadians were fooled upon their landing just to the north of us...

Martin Frobisher: "Ahh China. Now, about universal healthcare..."

Inuit Boy: "This is Newfoundland."

Thus, Canadian Thanksgiving. Much like our own American version, Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates a harvest of some sort, although only the good ol' US of A can make the claim that much of that first harvest was stolen from the Natives. Details. Also, Canadian Thanksgiving takes place on the second Monday in October. They had to be done with the harvesting earlier than the American settlers due to the fact that if you go outside in Canada any later than October you die.

Here were some highlights of our first celebration...

According to custom, Canadians traditionally feast on the hearts of baby seals. We had turkey.

Oddly enough, football is a part of the Canadian Thanksgiving festivities. Here Marita and I take in the Eagles-Cowboys game. Fun because Marita is from Philly and I'm a Cowboys fan by marriage. Not fun because the 'Boys lost. But in following with Canadian tradition Marita and I were allowed only reactions of indifference.

And in keeping with American custom Jaquie, who got in under the dating-a-Canadian clause , helped to force our traditions on all non- Americans present.