Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Say What?

a little something about me: I am a lady of luck... not in the blow on your dice or rub my buddha belly kind of way, but more along the lines of love. i was in love with Jesse way before he was in love with me. before we were ever even friends i had this really weird crush. it might have been cool if I had just walked up to him one day and said "hey, i don't know you well, but for some crazy reason everything in me simply feels like it agrees with you and I just want to stand next to you all the time." i just didn't have those kind of guts. plus i was absolutely sure he'd think i was PSYCHO. i specifically remember asking, nay begging the Lord one morning in Kansas City "please God, please, please, please, please God have Jesse look my way and make him like me." i was utterly convinced that if i could be near him i would be happy all my days. the thing is... i had no REASON to think these things i was completely unexplainable. i always walked away feeling silly, a little bewildered, and absolutely determined to move on towards someone more inviting... but our paths would cross some months later and i would loose my breath if we made eye contact. this went on for a few years. YEARS i tell you.

today jesse is off to work with adults who sometimes make people feel uncomfortable because they cannot hid their weaknesses. he helps them participate in the world, to be seen as active members of society... to have fun. then tonight he will go make tasty beverages for a few people who show up to hear the music of a localish band. and then he'll come home and kiss me. perfect. i was told long ago that i was created to fit into the space next to this man... but I had no idea the truth of it.

here's what I want to get at. I can trust that the Lord wants to show me new things, tell me secrets, expand His presence in my life, share His desires with me... and the reality of this Truth crawls in bed with me every night, kisses me good morning and farts ALOT.

those years and years ago I didn't know I could trust anything from the Lord outside of a Bible verse. it is so true. I was thinking about our story today and how timid i was to believe what the Lord wanted to communicate to me about Jes. Back then I knew the Lord desired communication, intimacy, and to reveal more of Himself to me, but I believed it could not be completely trusted unless it came in the form of a bible verse, or a thought that came about while reading a bible verse, or while sitting in a Bible church listening to a qualified someone speak about a Bible verse. The Bible was an idol to me. It happens... it happens all the time. I lived in that idolatry for years. I also DIDN'T truly believe Jesus transcended the theology or biblical exegesis of man. And could I be trusted to hear really Him? I was to read the Bible and receive teaching... that was my gig in this spiritual journey.

it has taken me a long time to not replace following Jesus with following the Bible. I am learning everyday to believe... to just believe. I want to believe outlandishly. Maybe I even want to believe recklessly. I want to believe what I hear and I want to believe what you hear, all of it. The visions and dreams that seem out there, crazy or impossible. I want to hear about them without fear because I want to trust if we are off the mark, He is always merciful to judge us and set us straight again. Pride be damned. This is what I ask the Lord for.

those years ago, I wish I had acted on what I knew about Jesse. That I would have been unfaltering in my assurance of the Lord's voice... instead of living in insecurity and confusion. which, of course, only caused pain to myself and others. I loved very selfishly before Jesse. Jesse has been the one to teach me how to love well. This was the Lord's idea.

we are told to remember the Lord, remember what He has done in our lives... ponder where we have been and the experiences that have moved us farther into Him. These days, when I hear something... when there is a word that stirs up in my spirit I remember to trust He speaks to us still, that I, as a daughter, can hear Him and act confidently upon His prompting in the craziest of circumstances. I don't have to understand how or when, only that He is to be trusted above ALL THINGS... I am literally married to this revelation.

9 comments:

the hamster said...

this post reminds me of why i used to carry your letters around and read and read and reread them many times over. you have always been a woman of intensely beautiful revelations and truth - you just didn't realize it at the time.

you and jesse are a fine pair. in fact, you two serve as definitions of His possibilities. glad we are family.

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOSH! Your way with words and thoughts are "delicious" - you don't know me. I don't even know how I found this blog.
But you touched my heart with this one!
Thank you so much,
Madelyn in Alabama

Anonymous said...

...and my grammar is atrocious! oops!
~Mad in Alabama

dominicans said...

I have never farted. Ever.

steve said...

Hallelujah, Chelsea. These are some of the sweetest words I've ever read. You are indeed married to the revelation, my dear. Thank you Father.

Your marriage is the prophetic sermon to the world that a loving God is pursuing a confused bride, and removing her fear, and imparting his love. It's so good I can't hardly stand it.

And that stuff about the Bible idolatry so speaks my language. There is redemption in your words, here. If I was there with you guys, I'd give you a kiss on the cheek for being willing to learn what you have, and I'd give Jesse a big bear hug and a foot washing for loving you rightly.

YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS.

Esue said...

It just continues to ring true that we are simply his favorites. These words are life to me today. Thanks Chels.

(and by the by, that pic of Jackson is just out of this world cute)

kaytie said...

beautifully written, chels. and good words to stir my thoughts. i always learn something from you! much love!

Shane said...

chelsea,

this was great encouragement to me today. i echo everything steven said.

shane

Shane said...

o - and jesse has farted - i have experienced with a few different sense, if you get my drift?